Archived Forums

Wait and see or https://www.gransnet.com/legal-and-money/a-guide-for-grandparents-seeking-contact-and-residence Your daughter is playing games of controle and manipulation, eventually the bubble wil burst. Are those two able to care for the child? ,

Thanks, we wonder and worry if they are able to look after her. The only good thing is his Mum is always there, interfering or not !!!!

from one grandma to another gentle hugs ((((()))))), you do have rights, and I know of an adoptive grandparent who went to court for access, costly and no guarentees of court order being upheld, if you can keep perservering, we did not see our grandson number 1 for nearly four years, but I kept sending birthday Christmas and easter stuff down eventually his mother our sons ex girlfriend made contact and we see him on average once a month now, with sons next girlfriend and now their two year old, she listend to the lies from him and his sisters, she and he visited when she was pregnant and from what she saw she made her own mind up about us, we do see them, not as much as \I would like but she has a large extended family that are very supportive. Middle daughter and boyfriend now have two very young, he is from a good hardworking family with strong ties, again he made up his mind about us, he likes us he feels that we deserve medals, he struggles with dealing with our daughters outbursts/meltdowns and has called me to calm things down, we do see those grandchildren a lot and have a good relationship with them all. Youngest daughter is a mess, she and her partner would not let us see her baby when born and blocked us we did not know where they were living, sadly that grandson died at 5 weeks and 6 days old, on going investigations and now court case, we are in bits, we know that all of them have painted us in a bad light, luckily for us two of the partners are reasonable and see facts rather than the fiction and drama our children like to tell. The problem with lies is that they come back to roost, one lie about you as parents grows legs, sadly our children often go for peers/partners with issues themselves so it is even harder for us to keep up relationships. You feel that he is controlling and behind things, its most likely that he is but also he too may be being manipulated by her, you say that at one time you were able to speak with his mum, is that a route you can try again, just a little note or text asking how granddaughter is. Its hard, its not nice, its not how any of us would have imagined our family to be like. take care of you, its important to look after yourself.

Thankyou for that. I will try & get in touch with his Mum again. Its such an awful feeling, knowing what we went through to adopt, and for her to just turn her back. I sometimes think she's as bad as him.

So, I've follwed the advice, & got in touch with his Mum, over 1 week ago now, but had no reply. I can't believe that as a Mother herself, she can let this happen. It's as if it's a conspiracy with all of them, and that she wants our Grandaughter all to herself. I know deep down I should let them get on with it, but I can't, it's just too hard. I miss my daughter so much. But, there's no more we can do.

You could contact Family Rights Group www.frg.org.uk for emotional support and also there are grandparent sites. We have a complex relationship with our former foster child who lived around 7 years with us and we ended up raising her daughters under SGOs. We had the manipulation at times before the girls came to us and she moved all over leaving us fretting for the children's welfare as she was deceptive and could lay on.stories to social workers. Yet we have never been fully estranged .... her life fragmented into basic survival at any cost and she became an addict but then there would be phone calls from hospitals, prison welfare and probation officers as she put us down as next of kin. We now see her as very damaged by early life experiences and accept that her relationships are skewered by this ...her thoughts processes and reactions are very different from ours. I love her still but cannot get involved further. We did try but her needs swamp us and it is projects rather than individuals who can best support her. She went on to have another child now 3 and is pregnant again. We do not have the same relationship with her child as we did before with the girls and their brother. Our girls are mothers themselves and they and their children require support. This has become our priority. We would break under the strain if we took too much on. It is hard for you as you want to see your granddaughter and there is most likely as Pluto posted some elements of control and manipulation. Damage runs deep in the pathways of the brain and relationships are on a different footing. Once we accepted this and there was less pressure we were able to find some common ground. I hug her when I see her and she says she misses us but the dramas and crises which come with close contact would cause overpowering stress. I think my advice is to lower expectations and monitor your grandaughter's safety and wellbeing when you can. Hopefully her other grandparent is monitoring her safety too. And hugs coming your way .....'(((((hugs)))))) Johanna

Hi Linda H, Good advice given from everyone what a fantastic support network this is. It is important to take care of yourself and to know that you have done nothing wrong. The people around your daughter will come to know how she operates (survival from attachment disorders we know). I think this will lead the paternal family to contact you at some point I am sure. We adopted our daughter 30 years ago and we were not given any information about how attachment disorders could affect her life. If you also haven't had information it may be a comfort to read up on it and how it affects the brain. There are some great articles on this site to read. Also you can contact the grandparents association for free advice on your rights. Good Luck and all the best.

Hi LindaH, Very sad situation. I was in similar, when my AD had her first baby at 16, 10 years ago. She had left us under traumatic circumstances a year earlier, and " sofa surfed" for a while with a BF. He was 10 years older, and extremely controlling.he wanted her to have a baby, so of course it happened. He was a drug user, abusive to DD and very manipulative. If she came to us for a few hours ( he rarely would come himself) with the baby, he would phone her, or.text her constantly. After a few months, she broke off contact with us. We worried the baby was being neglected especially as there was nobody else to keep an eye ( SS and HV said they had worse things to deal with and there was no signs of physical abuse to the baby) I looked into the legal aspect for Grandparents access. It seems possible, but expensive to peruse, with no guarantee of success. We were told the legal system has enough problem securing access rights for fathers let alone Grandparents! I had never met BF parents, so phoned, to introduce myse, and suggest we met somewhere neutral if they preferred. I got short shrift, the mum found it hard to communicate, and BF called soon after and threatened me for phoning his mum. The hardest part of it all was yet more rejection from DD. Anyway, after about 8 months, she accepted contact from my husband, and eventually me. When her son was 18 months she decided to leave BF and came back to live with us. There was a lot more trauma after that...however skipping that, 10 years down the line..she has matured, another baby who she is managing perfectly and a husband who is kind and gulp, works! Unfortunately due to her own issues, she is constantly threatening to leave him..there is no way I could have them all back now. It's lovely seeing the Grandchildren...but I feel that actually the issues and emotional trauma of dealing with a damaged child will never end.