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We responded the same way as you did, minus any mention of prison. Just told him it was the law ( and for others reading this, I know one can homeschool but for all practical purposes that was out of the question for us) Also, while we were away with friends, a friend of mine told ds2 that when HER son refused to get up for school she wiped his face with a wet face cloth!! As2 could be seen to be thinking about this and we left an element of doubt over our own response. Don't know if he was just " at it" but he went when the day came, with no fuss. He does find school very stressful, but a poor relationship with a teacher( usually due to his attitude or performance) is usually a reason for his reluctance but we only kept him off once when we knew he might tip over into trouble because he was under the weather physically as well. We do sympathise with his feelings of stress but explain that we all have stress in our lives and we have to manage it as best we can. We try to address specific issues of concern and give him escape strategies and ways of handling situations. If your son is changing schools next year you could let him know that generally schools now have significant transition activities and visits so he will be well used to the big school by the time of the move. Maybe that might help him not be so worried. We also enthused about interesting new subjects, and new sports opportunities, though if he doesn't like change that might be a mixed blessing. Some folks here might have some therapeutic parenting type suggestions, I can't really help on that, for this situation, but hopefully others can if you think it's needed. We generally find its better to " keep sympathising but carry on" where possible, but it does depend on the child and the situation. Best Wishes Pingu

My 13 yo sometimes says she doesn't want to go to school. She gets over focused on some tiny problem that she magnifies greatly in her mind and this will be the cause usually. We insist she goes - or more accurately, my DH does, as I'm at work by then 4 days a week. We do say she "has" to go as it's the law but in reality, if she absolutely refused to cooperate, we know we couldn't actually make her at 13. She did have a bad phase last term where she said she felt overwhelmed and refused to go to lessons for a couple of days - which was concerning - but then gradually went back to the ones she favoured and was back to normal the following week. I think some of it is hormonal and she gets over stressed by things we might all worry about a little - but she lacks the resilience to manage her anxiety without adult support. Have to say, school were great and gently encouraged her to return to lessons. Even if she says she's ill, we sometimes suspect it's anxiety more than anything. Unless she has obvious symptoms we send her in and say she can tell medical if she still feels ill. Not very therapeutic probably but we worry about making it easy for her to stay off. And it's hard to judge sometimes how badly she feels, as she might make a huge fuss over something but then be right as rain as soon as it turns out not to be a problem or she meets up with a friend. We did have a meeting last term where we explained as many of her triggers as we could think of (eg changes of seating plan) and they were very receptive. It does help that dd is very well behaved at school and gets good reports from all teachers - I feel it makes them want to help her (unlike with our eldest who wound a lot of people up.)

I forced Twirl to go to school for five years (from Yr 5 when she was horribly bullied to near the end of Yr 9 by which time she was obviously completely unsafe). She had almost 100% attendance, but at huge emotional cost. I really regret it. I particularly regret Yr 7 when there were mornings when she would run screaming semi-naked around the house, hiding under tables, because she didn't want to go. I was so focussed on my own need to have her there, and stuck in loops of feeling like she was 'trying it on', that I didn't really accept the very high levels of anxiety driving the behaviour. I regretted it even more when she decided that to survive this very scary secondary school experience she needed to toughen up, never lose face, and indulge in risk-taking behaviour left, right and centre. She developed a streetwise veneer, but underneath was a very scared, confused girl, desperately impulsive, endlessly in trouble, developmentally aged about 8 and with the emotional resilience of a toddler. When this still wasn't enough to help her feel like she was coping, she began self-harming. She's been out of school since September and is 100% better for it. Safer and calmer. It's hard, very hard, but it's better than constant crisis management. Hopefully your son won't be anything like as extreme, but I would urge you to keep digging for the reason for the comment / behaviours, and take them seriously.

Hi cowgirl - I guess for you as a parent you'll need to work out over the next few weeks whether this is a passing thing (frankly I really didn't want to go back to work on Friday either after enjoying the Christmas break, and moaned quite significantly about it) or whether there are more significant difficulties as chocoholic describes. The last year of primary school (assuming that's where your son is) is tough - change of schools in the offing, additional academic pressure in some schools for SATs, hormones probably in the mix... My starting point would be to assume it is fairly normal reluctance and explain, as you have, that it is the law that he goes to school and that you will be in trouble if he doesn't attend regularly, and (if you think he could understand this) that you may have to go to court and pay a fine. We have generally been very "no nonsense" about school, and not let them entertain the idea they have a choice about going - not least because until fairly recently both DH and I were working virtually full time, the kids couldn't be left alone, so they really did have to go. On a handful of occasions when they have got themselves very worked up I would let the one (I've got 3 children) that was struggling stay at home while I took the others to school. I'd then go back, give them some calm attention, make a fuss (e.g. make them some extra breakfast or a hot drink), and then drive them the short distance to school. This meant they'd be 20-30 mins late, but I think the extra attention and acknowledging their unhappiness helped. LB

My experience is a bit more like Chocoholic’s - my son ended up as a serious school refuser - he was happy at primary school and in fact had 100% attendance two years running and I had to force him to stay off once when he was ill. Secondary school was different - a different mix in the class - he had been separated from all his friends too - relentless bullying which he never talked about till it was well established and unacknowledged learning difficulties (he was in the group supported by the TA at primary so managed ok). I was also drumming home the school’s message - you have to go it’s the law etc - it took a while to work out what was going on and then to get the school to acknowledge this. He was out of school for ages - supported by Camhs - and then ended up in supported learning at college where once again he thrived and attendance was good. Try to work out what is going on whilst also reinforcing that he needs to go - and communicate with the school / schools as much as possible and as early as possible to try and find solutions. It was very bad not only for my sons mental health but for mine too

Hi Cowgirls, my daughter has always found it difficult to be at school, and has been school refusing this time since the end of September. She is great at putting on a mask when at school and so her anxieties are not seen. This time her school refusal was triggered by a series of events that happened at school in a short amount of time, a couple of lessons that were very triggering for her and an incident where another child attacked her. On the surface she handled the child attacking her and one of the classroom triggers very well but following the final classroom trigger she just could not go to school. In her word school is not "safe", she also worries that something bad will happen to me when she is not with me. The conversations that we have about going to school is that "most children of your age go to school, I would like you to go to school, your friends will be missing you." I know my daughter wants to be in school with her friends but also that she has a real fear about being in school so she isn't making a choice, her fear is so great that she cannot think to make a choice or rationalise because she is in "survival state". I would keep trying to find out what triggered your son's feelings about school, ask the teachers if they can think of anything that may have happened it can be something that seems quite insignificant to others as well as keep listening to what your son is saying. Something that might help as he is still going to school is to ask him to think of two things that made him feel happy/proud/made him laugh/when he was kind to someone after school and then when he is refusing in the morning remind him of those positive things that happened the day before. I have also made plans afterschool to give my daughter something to look forward to, i.e, a treat at the coffee shop. In regards to home-schooling, I did it when my daughter was struggling and the school she was at really was not helping, it was great and had a great impact on my daughter's education and well-being. I am resisting home-schooling again because I really want school to step up and support her needs but I'm not ruling it out, she previously started self harming and was clearly very ill with anxiety and I won't let that happen again but at the moment we are managing. Also check out this info from Nottinghamshire website, it has some good advice to support a child before they are completely out of school https://www.nottinghamshire.gov.uk/media/128383/a-guide-to-supporting-a-child-who-is-struggling-to-attend-school-2017.pdf

My son was not in control either and could not have explained what was wrong. There was one occasion when he crawled under a desk to escape the classroom and could not get out any other way - it got everyone making fun of him - a combination of shame and flight - the school seemed incapable of working out what was going on just blamed him and said he brought any bullying on himself. He barricaded himself into his room to avoid going once - he reached the point of seriously wanting to kill himself though stopped short of actually doing so. I think what I’m saying is getting to school isn’t the most important thing st the end of the day - irrespective of the law - I went to see the EWO myself when the school said they’d made a referral and was in there exactly 2 minutes as he could understand the situation and that we were doing everything we could to help. My son wanted to be home educated he said but really he just wanted to be at home - I should have agreed but as the school wanted it too I didn’t want them to get off so lightly as they needed to take responsibility - I couldn’t have stayed at home - but I wish I’d considered other ways it could have worked. Given that your son is in Year 6 (I presume) SATS and changing school will be a big issue - as it will for all children - and the behaviour of the other children will change too - the bullying started in year 6 but the teacher was on top of it and dealt with it well - she said it was common for children’s behaviour to change in this way - also SATS means a lot to the school and so can cause a great deal of anxiety even if they try not to make it so

my shadette had 2 episodes of school phobia - school refusal sounds wrong to me - it was horrendous both times - the second lasted from her being age 13 and she never got back into education -I was nearly prosecuted for allowing truancy when my daughter just was too anxious to leave the house - sorry this is not of any use to you - but you are not alone - and all my empathy is sent to anyone in this situation

Hi all thanks for your empathy, tips & all your advice and experiences. We are in one the few counties that have a 3 tier system so he is year 4 & going to middle school next year so thankfully no SATS to add to the mix We also have repeated bouts of skin picking which result on occasions as impetigo & obviously result in a few days off of school. I have found tissues with blood on them so it's clear he was skin picking on Thursday night. I do not know enough about skin picking as my knowledge comes via Google. To summarise Google it could be itchy, boredom, habit and/or aniexty. He ticks all those boxes. We've been at a party today at an indoor play area. A year ago he wouldn't of wanted to go. I watched him with his class mates having a whale of a time. We have arranged a meeting at school as I have disclosed the skin picking and school refusal. We m assuming school is a good starting point rather than the GP or post adoption support at this stage. I can't see us home educating. My partner is the breadwinner regrettably as he probably would be ok but alas I am well aware of my strengths & weaknesses and Home Ed is not my strength. Ho hum let's see how tonight goes Thanks again

Hi Cowgirls, yes agree that school is definitely the place to start. My little one, Galaxy, aged 8, also does the skin picking thing and it's pure anxiety, school were brilliant when I approached them about it and have been excellent with her this year. It has made such a difference, really helped by a fabulous lead learning mentor who really 'gets' both attachment and anxiety. Just a note on the home ed thing - I totally hear you about feeling that HE would not be your strength, that's exactly how I felt (and still feel) which is one of the reasons I forced Twirl into school for so long. However we're not doing traditional Home Ed with Twirl, instead we have a budget from the LA through her EHCP, to pay for tutors and other constructive activities which get her out of the house in a safe environment, with safe people, for several hours each day (not quite full school hours - yet). So I only have to be mum still, not teacher, and it works well enough. You could keep this in the back of your mind as an option for the future, if necessary. Hope things go well when you go into talk to school, you're right to try to take this seriously from the beginning. Hopefully you can stop it escalating. Good luck

Unfortunately not every school 'gets' attachment and anxiety and so may not be able to come up with suitable strategies to support your son. You may want to arm yourself with ideas from the PAC (an adoption agency) website https://www.pac-uk.org/our-services/education/education-resources/ . You can also contact your LAs virtual school; these are part of children's services, they were set up to support looked after children in education and their remit has been extended to children previously looked after through adoption, SGOs etc. Good luck in finding a way forward

Thanks again Nipped into (short meeting at my request) school today. Yes I do not think they have the experience to help but are trying to help Teacher says my son is a happy chappy at school. Teacher very confident that my son is not just being compliant. Wants to get involved with tasks or activities. Full of chatter to his peers. Meanwhile I have contacted a local charity to explore aspects further and at least hopefully give us the words/tools to go further. Eg I'm worried I may unintentionally shame him on the skin picking Thanks all

Hi Cowgirls, School used to say my daughter was 'fine' as incredibly compliant at school. Took an assessment through a clinical psychologist & sensory OT assessment to show them she wasn't 'fine' - anything but. School refusal is awful & so hard to deal with. I managed to get my daughter into school today (1st day back after hols) but nearly 2 hours late & with a lot of tears & upset. School really try to help - but the bottom line is she wants to be at home with us, and not at school. (Added trickiness today as working different hours & eldest daughter off as Inset day at her school). Wish I could help more, but I really find this hard & definitely don't have the answers so will just send support & hugs. xxxx

Chocoholic, did you apply for your daughter's EHCP before you home educated? My daughter has not got one but I'm considering asking for an assessment. At the moment she is not receiving any education. Did not go today, she was looking forward to going yesterday even put her uniform on this morning (which she has not done since October) had breakfast and just said, I can't do it today mum. I feel really sad for her.

Yes, Twirl already had an EHCP, since just before she left primary school. I have met a number of home edders with EHCPs for their kids, some of whom have only applied since their children stopped attending school. It may make a difference though if they are home because they are school-refusing / excluded, or if you have officially de-registered them from school, and are officially doing Elective Home Education. I would advise against de-registration and EHE if you want an EHCP and are considering EOTAS (Education Other Than At School) via a personal budget.

With respect to skin picking, what you are describing, imo, is a form of self harm, whilst he is concentrating on the skin and then ripping it off, it is a release from what ever it is that he is worrying about. The worry is completely forgotton when he is concentrating on that piece of skin. Don't shame him about it, because he will probably not be aware why he is doing it. And he will feel shame/ guilt after the deed is done because of the blood, the mess . My advice is in fact possibly do the complete opposite and almost give him permission. Then after pull him in rather than push him away, clean up the mess, apply magic cream and a plaster. Talking of plasters, he may then start to pick off the plasters and that might be an alternative to skin, because there will be similar physical Comparisons. If you want to give him an alternative, then sometimes an elastic band around the wrist works, so when he feels the need to pick skin, instead ping the elastic band which will give allow him to have the pain element without the scarring happening.

With respect to skin picking, what you are describing, imo, is a form of self harm, whilst he is concentrating on the skin and then ripping it off, it is a release from what ever it is that he is worrying about. The worry is completely forgotton when he is concentrating on that piece of skin. Don't shame him about it, because he will probably not be aware why he is doing it. And he will feel shame/ guilt after the deed is done because of the blood, the mess . My advice is in fact possibly do the complete opposite and almost give him permission. Then after pull him in rather than push him away, clean up the mess, apply magic cream and a plaster. Talking of plasters, he may then start to pick off the plasters and that might be an alternative to skin, because there will be similar physical Comparisons. If you want to give him an alternative, then sometimes an elastic band around the wrist works, so when he feels the need to pick skin, instead ping the elastic band which will give allow him to have the pain element without the scarring happening.

Hi mixed results. PS4 or whatever it's called ban lifted & youngest happily went into school not one squeak about not wanting to go But bloodied tissues from last night laid out for us to see. Will try elastic band again tonight, plasters freak him out Meanwhile I have contacted school to ask if PP+ could be utilised for this. Not really sure what I'm asking for but feel the school environment/building is the best place for speaking/counselling him. What's pastoral care ? I've looked up definition but I'm still struggling or am too dim to imagine examples Thanks again all