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Article in The Sunday Times today about adoption breakdown - by Eleanor Bradford, an AUK trustee

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Furcifer November 28, 2021 12:17
Safia November 28, 2021 19:56

A very powerful article - and such a tragic way of operating children’s services

Furcifer November 29, 2021 10:08

Just a heads up that Eleanor Bradford is on Woman’s Hour this morning.

Lilythepink November 29, 2021 13:07

It is tragic. You've hit the nail on the head Safia.

FWIW, on a smaller scale, I would like to throttle our local Children's Services (metaphorically)

On the one hand I am battling to get an appropriate EHCP (combination of incompetence and an entrenched culture of failing children) out of the LA. On the other hand, oh hang on, child in question was failed badly by the same local authority's children's services in their journey through care, setting up some of the harms they have suffered.

It's one long battle against failure on the part of children's services. I hope never, ever to get to where Eleanor Bradford had to get to with her son, but I can see how it happens. No support until you can no longer cope. At times children's services are actually the blocker.

Furcifer November 29, 2021 17:35

I agree with you, Lily, my DD1 was placed with me by the authority that has just refused her an EHC Needs Assessment ie her home authority. The reason for the refusal? She is making age-related progress at her school. DD(13), who is registered blind (she lost her sight two years ago due to in-utero drugs exposure), and has a psychotherapist referral in for ADHD/ASD/PDA, plus an NHS diagnosis of neonatal abstinence syndrome, struggles every minute of every day at her secondary school, but because it is a selective grammar, she is deemed not to need any extra support. You actually couldn’t make this stuff up.

Furcifer November 29, 2021 17:42

I just wanted to add that the bit in Eleanor Bradford’s article that resonated with me the most was the ‘relief’ at being able to now leave her bag (with its purse) on the table. I, too, live in a virtual prison, where I have to be hyper vigilant about where I leave any money/valuables/bits of tech: any slight distraction or letting down of my guard means another hard-earned £20 note that’s stolen from my purse and p*ssed up at the sweet shop.

Safia November 29, 2021 20:36

That resonated with me too - I once had £150 taken because someone was blackmailing her with a faked naked photo - and when she was much younger a boy in her class asked her for £20 to be her friend - it was the teacher who found out - the boys parents had been complaining about her messaging him too! It’s a way of life most adopters are familiar with.

Thanks for posting this link - I had seen the article mentioned but couldn’t read it because it was subscription only on my phone

Lilythepink December 1, 2021 13:14

I read your other thread on exactly that subject Furcifer - sending you solidarity, if no practical experience. My youngest is being assessed (she has ASD but very evidently also learning difficulties - ie working at "emerging year 1/reading age of 4" at age 9). Even then it's stressful and full of conflict, bad faith on the part of the LA and some plain shoddy work.

I have read numerous blog posts from Special Needs Jungle and/or solicitors who specialise in EHCP cases to the effect that Local Authorities effectively "gatekeep" their limited funding by turning down children like your daughter. Sadly it seems that getting "lawyered up" is the way to go. IPSEA are great for factsheets and advice but it's so hard to get an appointment as they are busy.

Staying away from Twitter on this subject as there are some terrible takes by those criticising Eleanor Bradford and missing the core point: traumatised children with complex needs can only get help when inside the care system, as soon as they are adopted the services fall away.

Donatella December 2, 2021 22:54
Furcifer December 2, 2021 23:08

Oh, ffs, do we as adopters/humans/adults not matter one jot, too? Poor Eleanor. Poor us. The article was written from the perspective of an adoptive mother. She does not live in her child’s shoes so she is unable to write from their perspective. I sincerely hope that Eleanor was not bullied out of her AUK trustee position because she dared to speak HER truth? It’s as bad as JKR being systematically bullied because of her stance on biological vs trans women. I think I may have to move into a cave and never utter another word to another person again, lest the thought police arrest me for thinking things that are not in line with the (very prescribed) socially acceptable adoption narrative. All I will say is that anyone who has criticised Eleanor is welcome to come and walk a mile in my size 5 Dr Martens. Shame on you, AUK!

chestnuttree December 3, 2021 13:37

What a sad outcome. I don't see how the system can be improved if not ALL adopters (as well as adoptees, siblings and birth parents of course) can talk about their experiences, if they choose to do so. It is a fact that many adopters are confronted with serious issues and many don't get support. What are they supposed to do? Suffer in silence? And if people don't care about the adults, what about the siblings of children with severe behavioural problems? Don't they have a right to safety?

People who criticise heartbreaking decisions like Eleanor's are usually not adopters and I have not heard any workable solutions from them to the serious problems some families are facing. I wished Adoption UK had supported Eleanor and convinced her to stay on.

Safia December 3, 2021 14:59

I think the headline in the newspaper was particularly unhelpful (“give him back”) and I remember many discussions in the past where adopters have had to argue against that attitude in wider family and friends - it’s what drew me to the article in the first place as I felt angry with the headline - which maybe says it all

Lilythepink December 3, 2021 18:02

That's a really unhelpful comparison Furcifer.

A lot of LGBTQ+ adopters have very different views about the impact of JKR's interventions. This isn't the place to start propogating her or your views about gender.

Goodness knows that LGBTQ+ adopters have had to deal with uninformed assumptions and prejudices in the adoption process. Not here please.

Donatella December 3, 2021 19:39

I read the original article and didn’t feel entirely comfortable for various reasons, not least the fact that it may have identified both children - and once it’s out there it can’t be taken back. That said, I can only presume that as Eleanor is/was an AUK trustee there would have been some complicity? AUK - did you approve the article pre publication? Or did it come as a surprise to you? What was your involvement? Clarity might help.

I also read the comments on twitter which ranged from understanding Eleanor’s experiences to others which were quite critical. Adoption Twitter can be a very harsh, unforgiving environment and modern day UK adoption isn’t always understood.

So, how do we/you get the general population/professionals to understand what adoption does actually look like? Does it have to be reported anonymously? There seems to be a need for more education. And definitely more support. Just today I’ve read about a professional saying that an adoptee can’t possibly be traumatised as s/he was just a baby when they were removed. What hope is there against such utter ignorance? And it’s not just trauma .. I have personal experience of the blinkered views of certain psychs in Camhs who were unable to consider the possibility of anything other than ‘attachment’ in my kids. Ignorance? Professional arrogance? You tell me.

I do get the feeling that Eleanor has been pushed under the bus by AUK. You do seem to be conflicted and have not exactly come out of this smelling of roses. Can’t please all of the people all of the time so where exactly does your loyalty lie?

Lilythepink December 3, 2021 20:03

Twitter is a cesspit. People comment for drama and clout a lot of the time, or to further agendas dishonestly.

I read the comments of a political commentator who got lots of attention for saying it was a class issue (lots of class issues in adoption) but hadn't understood or cared to understand the systemic issues involved.

I will read the article again and listen to Woman's Hour - not sure if it was intended as an AUK campaign to land messages about lack of support for traumatised children, or not. The personal stories about adoption breakdown and lack of support for birth family contact in teens they (with anonymisation) placed with Radio4 a few months ago worked really well.

Agree Donatella that doing this without anonymity was the risky part.

Donatella December 3, 2021 20:36

Oh surely we’re not still talking about class .. doesn’t that hark right back to previous days when babies were given up by poor, single mums so that they could be handed over to married middle class parents? Dear me. Such wilful ignorance

chestnuttree December 3, 2021 20:53

I felt similarly about anonymity and about "giving him back". It definitely wasn't the perfect article, but I get the feeling that people are up in arms, the minute they hear about an adoption disruption and are very happy to point fingers without knowing very much about reasons for disruptions. We also don't know if she discussed the article with her family.

I am also against people being cancelled for telling the truth. What was her crime?

Edited 03/12/2021
Lilythepink December 4, 2021 08:59

Well I do think there are issues in the care system around class (won't get on my soapbox but if you've seen what the pandemic has done to poverty and children going into care in Northern towns and cities etc...)

The bad take I'm thinking of was simplistic but got attention - middle class people treating adoption like consumerism and giving kids back.

I do blame social media to some extent. What's the incentive to understand a complex issue line this, when a dramatic accusatory soundbite will do?

Not a fan of the phrase "cancel culture" - it tends to be used by millionaire authors and columnists in national newspapers who have a very big platform to complain when people disagree with them. That's not the same as an individual telling a personal story like this and being vilified for it, instead of the underlying issues being understood.

Donatella December 4, 2021 09:35

I’ve been thinking about this. I’ve seen AUK post many request from magazines etc who are looking for happy ever after stories, some of which have seemed - to me - to be entirely inappropriate. Some will respect a level of anonymity; others specifically say there will be pictures.

I’d like to know why AUK continue to think it’s okay to post those requests and yet when someone does tell their very painful story openly you withdraw support. A bit hypocritical?

Safia December 4, 2021 10:26

I agree Donatella - it’s really important to have an honest open discussion about the reality of adoption and for people - especially professionals working with children and families - to understand the reality of what many families go through and the level of support needed. I reacted against the headline because it feeds into the public perception of children not quite being part of the family and the idea that you can “hand them back” if things don’t turn out as you would like. The article itself was very different and gave an honest (I thought) picture of that family’s experience. I also agree that it would’ve been more helpful if AUK had supported their experience - they are an organisation there to support adopters - and then used the platform to argue for the support families need. I haven’t read the stuff on Twitter etc though so don’t know what they were dealing with from that angle

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