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The experiment!

ceres November 17, 2021 01:09

Maybe some stil remember me, it's Pluto here! I have two adopted boys, oldest an adult (severe autisme) lives in a residential setting and youngest now 16 (attachment disorder, below avarage, and many other problems).

Child was adopted from eastern europe a decade ago at the age of 6. What can I say? the problems are serieus Eand I am exhausted having to deal with the lying, breaking my stuff, stealing, urinating in his bed, the washing basket with dirty clothes, in pots and pans, the toxic words out of his mouth, the agression, controle issues etc, etc. Read the list with rad symptomes and only one or two I can not cross. So now the dilemma, let him go into foster care or get 'the help troops' in (I have no energy for that) or something else? Well ideally I want to keep him home until 18, as than he falls direct under adults and that has certain benefits, easier for me to get support in place (I do not live in the uk).

So what have I done? to create space, get my privacy back, give him more independence, give him supported living, lol?

I have bought him a caravan, and he is delighted as he tells me to never ones invite this 'witch mother' (me) into his caravan. Fine but there will be checks for health and safety!

I made some rules, he agreed, so fingers crossed. We live remotely and I have plenty of space to place this caravan, so far so good. My son has had a taste this summer when I was on holiday (first time in 16 years without kids) and he was by friends who have a lot of stagieres who also live in caravans. So he was in one for two weeks as well and loved it. Not ones did he opened his trousers to urinate in inappropiate places. Whatever gets mum going I pressume, Walking up the stairs and whole my house smells like old urine, stale urine, he's like a dog marking his territory. I know very well where the behaviours stem from, and I feel sad that he need to do all those disturbed behaviours, but I want my house back, I want to sleep with my bedroom door open (is always locked for my own safety) I want my stuff to stay in the same place and not be broken, anyway the list is endless but I am sure the ones of us with similar children understand exactly what I am talking about. I do not want to give too much info as my post would be removed as it makes difficult reading.

I will give an update in a few weeks or months, the reality is that he really should move but I am standing with my back against the wall, I could put him in boarding school but I pressume this will end up in disaster ones the honeymoon is over. So this is the wild card, If it works it will be good, for the coming 2 years, I feel reasonable positive, He can see my house, the caravan stands against the stable with a stone wall on both sides (out of the wind and it feels safer for him). He has a dog so he does not need to be alone.

I feel relief, I feel already lighter, more hopefull. I know it can go well or not so well, but at least it is out of my house. I think the best solution for now, nothing really changes for him, same place, just 20 meter further, his own little house. Independence training, supported living, all done by mother! He's so vunerable, on the outside so strong, yet inside a weazel, afraid, scared, and unsure.

Some people of the message boards I have met in person around 15 years ago I guess. Everyone keep strong! And if you need it a virtual ((hug))

Lettice November 19, 2021 09:48

Hi Pluto, yes I remember meeting you in person around 15 years ago, at the grass sledging, and your eldest sharing his little tricycle (or some kind of go-cart?) with other children so beautifully. I was more worried about the tricycle/go-cart taking off down the slope alongside the grass sledges....

I'm glad that he has a residential setting now. I hope it's a positive place for him.

And I hope that you can use a bit of (literal) breathing space to do something nice for yourself.

For your youngest, I know you are thinking on a timescale of a few weeks or months, and that the reality is that he really should move. But you can make an enormous difference in a few weeks. His own confidence and self-reliance and his own safe base to return to will help enormously to support the right transition. Wishing you and him all the best with that, it sounds such a difficult transition.

Lettice x

Safia November 20, 2021 11:17

Hi Pluto - nice to see you. I last remember you posting when you were looking at residential for your eldest and it’s great that this seems to be going really well. The caravan plan sounds good - for both of you - to give you both some space and independence. I really admire how you’ve stuck by your very challenging young men - they are very lucky to have you! And the donkeys - what has become of them?


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