Public Forums

Try

www.thePOTATOgroup.org.uk

several members are struggling with young people who just do not get it.

Have you given nurturing behaviour a try? Deliberately giving comfort food (donuts work well!), pampering baths etc. I’d about addressing the need behind the rejecting behaviour. Gives a sense of value & belonging

worth a try?

14 is a difficult age! My son would have definitely been the same (the running - not the gang membership) when younger. He is now 22 and observing the isolation calmly and without complaint even though he can’t train or coach in his sport which is how he keeps himself occupied and fit and earns money. He is back on the Xbox - but that is fine. I think Pear Trees advice is good re being nurturing and calm - not telling him what to do but providing a haven he wants to come home to. Could you suggest a shower when he gets back - change of clothes? If he won’t do that then put hand sanitiser etc in his room for him to use on the quiet? When he’s out he will be challenged by the authorities if meeting up with others and maybe even confined if not following the rules - that is more likely to get the message across. Definitely don’t do anything that’ll provoke violence or destruction - such as locking him in. Also as Pear Tree suggests there will be a lot more expert advice from the Potato Group (above)

Thanks for quick response. When he came in last night he was rubbing his hands as we keep a sanitiser at the front door so it's a small glimmer in a not great situation.

That’s good as you say a positive sign. I just realised you have a vulnerable person in the house so I think also do what you can to keep them apart stressing the reasons but not being confrontational

It’s difficult I’d try and find a reformed adult who was in a similar position as a kid and try and get him to talk to your son he might be able to relate better and open up as to why he is behaving this way.

Hi Jammy,

good advice above with respect to dealing with the immediate problem, but i think that you also need to start thinking more long term as well. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult and one which no one should have to deal with alone. You say he has been excluded from mainstream school, so what type of school is he in or is he being home schooled? Also you say you are 3 years in to dealing with violent aggression and verbal abuse and you also have a older child to deal with. It seems to me that this is only going to get worse and so if I were you i would start looking at a residential school either through the EHCP route or via section 20. It seems that he needs professional help which is, with respect, beyond you and so going down either of these routes is a way of getting him the help he clearly needs and the respite that i am sure you need. no one should have to deal with stuff like this no matter what the child's problems and so don't let social services or the local authority off load their responsibilities.

best wishes and look after yourself xxx

Last night are son was reluctant ly removed by children services. After 3 nights of aggressive behaviour my partner could not cope and rang the police. The police were great and stayed for 4 hours trying to get social services to accept responsibility. My AS told them he wanted to go back into care. I am exhausted and so sad that this had to be done as an emergency rather than in a managed way. I worry how much harm this will do to him. We now await contact from children services.

So sorry it has come to this Jammy, but I am sure that it is for the best. Yes a managed way would have been better, but that is not your fault so please do not blame yourself. You have done all that you possibly could do, and more I suspect. you now must stay strong and do not let Social services put pressure on you to have him back. do some research on residential schools that can help him - look for ones were he stays for 52 weeks a year as you cannot have him back at home and insist that that is were he needs to go and that social services/local authority need to foot the bill.

i hope that both you and the rest of your family can now start to heal. Do not forget that this is for the best as he needs professional help, which you can not provide him with.

best wishes xxx

Jammy, so sorry it has come to this, you have done all you could. Take some time to breathe, sleep, and regroup. There is still probably a long journey ahead of you before his situation is resolved.

If you feel able, you might want to think about writing him a letter, tell him that you love him and you have tried your best to help him, he will always be part of your family but that family may need to look differently in future

Above all be kind to yourselves. Take care

Thank you for your comments and support. I've been reading the forums for the last 3 years although only registered at Christmas. They have given me help advice and support. We are getting legal support because yes we are still a family and we will always want what is best for our son no matter how hard that is.

Dear Jammy,

How are things? How are you? I hope you and your family including your 14 year old are getting the help you need. I’m concerned about his aggressive behaviour towards you. Are you ok?

Dear Agape

i feel absolutely terrible although my partner clearly feels an enormous sense of relief and feels I need to concentrate on the fact we couldn't carry on as we were. His physical behaviour was usually aimed at my partner whilst I got the threats and control . My son has currently been placed 50 miles away in a 'new' place and has already run away twice. I don't think this is helping me and we have still not had a clear response re care plan as we have been told the corona virus is making the process more difficult.

Dear Jammy,

Please don't feel terrible. I do think your partner is right - you couldn't carry on as you were. Your son needs professional help and it is up to them and social services to do this. You have done all that you could - and it is now time to focus on you and the rest of your family. Your son will still be your son but you will have to learn to parent him differently - from a distance.

Please remember that it is not your fault. xxx

Dear Jammy,

I can only tell you my thoughts and prayers are with you. It must be very painful to be going through what you are going through now. I respect your husband and windfalls advice about trying not to feel terrible but I know it doesn’t make that pain of feeling terrible any better. Your pain joins your child suffering - it goes beyond feelings I can have words for.

Our kids carry their trauma, their fears, their sense of solitude/abandonment. We become their confort, their “crying sponge. They hit us. Their extreme fear hit us. They cannot, they don’t know how to, deal with our love - hence they attack. Love is too scary for them, they resist it. They were rejected by their birth mother which in their developing brains is translated into being rejected by love. “Why don’t they accept love?” one may ask. Because, their inner self might say “if I allow love to enter my heart, love will reject me again. I rather reject love now (hit the source of love I.e. you) than love rejects me again”.

This is why they need therapy. He’s trying to run away from himself, from that horrible feeling of what he believes is love (even love of the self) and obviously he won’t manage as we cannot stop living with ourselves (unless we stop contact with reality - i.e. psychopathology).

Yes, he needs therapy and above all your unconditional love which at this moment means being separated from you even 50 miles away. Yes, as your partner says, you couldn’t have continued living the way you were as violence leads to violence and it’s hard to keep caring for someone who constantly rejects us. You couldn’t have continued caring for someone whose brain is not attuned to what you are offering. But there’s hope.

Though it will take time and effort, the fact that his brain is developing means there is hope for him to come out of this if the right therapy is offered. You may want to consider exploring the possibility of RAD (reactive attachment disorder). You may want to Liaise with your local post-adoption services (you will need a lot of patience, deep breathing and commitment of not giving up calling them but it’s worth it). Other organisations such as Adoption UK or PAC-UK may help (help lines are open) to get social services to agree to use you Adoption Support Fund (which has been increased during COVID).

I will keep praying for you. With love.