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To keep in touch with the foster carers?

Disneylover654 August 1, 2020 08:57

My daughter (adopted) came home 4 months ago. The foster carers were absolutely amazing and cared so much and my daughter really is like family to them. On the last day of intros they were very emotional, their hearts were breaking as they hugged and waved to my daughter. We have been keeping in touch with them since, sending them photos etc. we usually text each other every few days, my daughter has had video calls with them. We are meeting up with them next week. My daughter was with them for 4 years so they are a huge part of her life. Suddenly this morning my mum has said I should completely cut the foster carers off and not talk to them or let them or my daughter see each other again. I am doing the right thing by staying in touch like this aren't I? I personally feel I am but my mum has made me doubt myself now.

Disneylover654 August 1, 2020 09:01

We met up with the foster carers a week after she came home and it was lovely, they are amazing people, they love my daughter and always put her first in everything they did. My daughter ran into her arms and started playing with her. At the end she had a long hug goodbye and we was going to meet up again sooner but we couldn't because of lockdown.

Edited 01/08/20
Safia August 1, 2020 10:52

You are doing exactly the right thing. It is hugely damaging for young children to be moved from those who they love - who are the most important people to them at that time - suddenly and with no further contact. This happens so often in foster care moves because they often have to be sudden. The child often blames themselves and believes there is something wrong with them and that the are not wanted or not worth loving. By continuing contact - at a much reduced level - the child learns they have not just disappeared and they still love / care about them. These messages will then fit in with the life story they are told later and will feel true to them. Sounds like your child’s foster carers are very caring people - and experienced foster carers - so will know how to behave so that they support yourselves as parents when you meet and not cause any conflict in your child. Remember - and remind your mum - you are doing this because it is the best thing for the child. It’s not about what others want or any sort of competition amongst the adults. Unfortunately on the boards sometimes people have foster carers who do treat it this way and then stopping contact is in the child’s best interests. Until then occasional contact - much as you might have with a relative - is best for everyone. It also makes it easier in the future if you or your child have any questions you might need answering.

Edited 01/08/20
Disneylover654 August 1, 2020 14:07

I'm not going to cut the foster carers off.

The foster carers live very close to us (10 minute walk) and their birth son goes to the same primary school (less than 10 minutes from our house) our daughter will go to in September. My daughter was with the foster carers from birth for 4 years, so they will probably always be a big part of her life which is ok as they raised her from birth and are lovely, amazing and brilliant people and always put my daughter first before themselves in everything they did and do. They have said my daughter can keep in contact with them when she is an adult too if she wants.

Safia August 1, 2020 15:04

That was my understanding - but that something your mum had said had made you question whether you were doing the right thing and my reply was to say you are and the reasons behind this - which you can use with your mum if you wish

Disneylover654 August 1, 2020 15:17

Sorry my last reply was probably a bit rude, sorry.

I am going to speak to my mum later but I doubt she will listen unfortunately.

My daughter is already excited for when we are meeting up with the foster carers on Monday.

Safia August 1, 2020 15:39

No problem - just wanted to clarify I believe what you are doing is the right thing. Good luck with your Mum

Edited 01/08/20
chestnuttree August 1, 2020 18:15

Our fc had our daughters for two years. We have kept in touch and they are now like relatives to all of us. It is still great to be able to ask them questions (new questions have come up at different stages) and our children continue to be very much loved by them. They keep sharing memories with us and meeting them is always lovely. I feel our children have lost so much that it is my job to hold on to as much as possible. Having been able to keep in touch has been beneficial for all of us.

I also agree with Safia that there is no competition.My daughters have very fond memories of their time with their fc and I really appreciate that they were willing to stay in touch with us.

Angelface August 1, 2020 18:58

i agree with the top if i find a child that foster carer wants to stay in touch then i aint going to stop that as thats the only thing that my child will have known before she or he comes to us so i think its beneficial to stay in contact with the foster carer but thats just my opinion. Go with your gut and what the best interest is of your child than listening to what others say to you if you feel that your child is benefiting from seeing the foster carer then stick with it

Colette and Ian

Disneylover654 August 2, 2020 20:07

My daughter's foster carers already feel like relative's to us, they are amazing, we are meeting up with them for a day out tomorrow.

Disneylover654 August 2, 2020 20:10

We haven't had a very good past 24 hours.

Last night my mum called us, fair enough. I let her speak to my daughter (mum asked if she could speak to her) who excitedly tells my mother that we are meeting the foster carers on Monday, next minute my mothers telling her that she shouldn't be meeting them and that they don't love her (they do love her). As soon as she's off the phone my daughter was absolutely distraught, crying. So thanks to my mother, I spent the hours before my daughter went to bed, reassuring her that the foster carers do love her and that we will be staying in touch, even rang the foster carers with my daughter to reassure her more.

My daughter has been quite upset all day, I've been reassuring her that her foster carers do love her and reminding her that we are meeting up with them tomorrow for a day out.

I haven't spoke to my mum since, I'm furious with her.

DigitalAUK August 3, 2020 08:21

Hi @Disneylover654

We just wanted to reach out to see if you and your daughter are ok this morning. As always, the responses from our forum users have been great, but I wanted to also highlight that you can speak to our helpline team too if you want to - 0300 6660006.

I, personally, bought my parents this book to read and they found it very useful https://www.amazon.co.uk/Related-Adoption-Handbook-Grandparents-Relatives/dp/1907585389

I also did some of the exercises with them that we did at training too - the string exercise and the post it exercise (please reply if you want explanations on these as I know training can differ depending on where you are.)

We hope you have a lovely day today with your daughters foster carers. When our children have a great relationship with their FC it is so important to help nurture this and keep the connection. I wonder if you could work with your daughter to create a special photo album of her time at the foster carers and have blank pages at the end that you make clear will be filled with more memories when you meet up in the future.

Best wishes,

Charlotte (AUK)

Safia August 3, 2020 11:10

I agree - that book is good - though I never used it with my Mum before we adopted as it wasn't around then - but when I did give it her to read she said she wished she had read it before as then she would have understood more about where certain behaviors are coming from. People don't really think around WHY children are behaving a certain way but focus more on what they should do about it to change it - with adoption in particular a different mindset is needed and maybe your Mum needs help with this. I guess her response is coming from a place of perceived threat - and she is trying to protect you or herself in some way - but of course is very hurtful and potentially damaging. Have a lovely time with FC today

chestnuttree August 3, 2020 16:59

It sounds as if your mum is jealous of the foster carers. She seems to feel threatened and in competition with them. I think you need to have a chat about her feelings and expectations. She needs to leave your child out of her emotional struggles. Under no circumstances can she undermine relationships you are trying to build or sustain.

There are a few books out there for grandparents. Maybe it would help her to go to a local AUK group or get some counselling.

Disneylover654 August 3, 2020 21:07

We've had a lovely day out at the zoo with my daughter and the foster carers today. My daughter ended up very very upset again before bed as she remembered what my mum said so was really upset again but I've kept on reassuring her that the foster carers do love her.

I'm going to speak to my mum before the end of the week about what she said. I'm waiting until I'm calm enough and not as angry and until I'm calm enough not to get upset if she says something similar to me.

I don't feel like I can trust her to not say something similar to my daughter again.

Safia August 4, 2020 15:52

If you can’t trust her to say something similar to your daughter again what will you do? Will your mum understand how serious you are if you tell her - and if she knows how upset your daughter was? I’m sure the book will help too

Glad you all had a great day at the zoo - and some lovely memories to look back on. Good luck with your Mum

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