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Anyone fostered after an adoption break down.

Raven June 16, 2020 14:38

Hello all,

Been a couple of years since I ventured onto these boards & they look very different!

We adopted a healthy 2.5 year old in 2009.

Over the next few years this troubled little girl was diagnosed with multiple servere medical conditions including neurological conditions, hormone difficiencies, ADHD, Autism, attachment disorder, eating disorser, chromosone abnormalities & her violent & unpredictable behaviours escalated.

Easter 2018 she moved from the family home & now lives in a therapeautic residential unit.

We .. as a family went to hell & back many times over & the level of unpredictable violence became too unsafe for us all. Especially our birth daughter who was on the receiving end of many of the more serious assaults & we had to request our daughter was removed to a residential placement.

2 years on & we have healed emotionally & still have contact with our AD as & when she chooses to talk to us.

I always.. (Long before we adopted) wanted to go become a foster carer & over the last weeks & months I keep wondering if this would even be an option now.

My family is complete .. I'm not looking to adopt again, but we would like to consider fostering pre-school age children.

My Birth daughter is 18 now & also wants to be involved in fostering. She was a young carer for many years & we as a family have much to offer & a whole load of experiences behind us.

Has anyone ever done this after an adoption breakdown? Would the past go against us? Our AD is currently under a section 20 at our request there isn't a care order in place at present, although that is something we are having discussions about with the LA.

Thanks everyone.


Edited 16/06/20
windfalls June 16, 2020 19:14

Hi Raven,

Yes the boards certainly aren't what they used to be - not very many experienced adopters seem to be around these days.

I have no direct experience but did not want to read and run. My only suggestion would be to talk to your LA about wanting to foster. I would have thought that as you do not have young children at home, have had a period of time since the disruption to process what happened and to heal and also that you are only looking to foster pre-school children - this would all go in your favour. the only thing i can think of that may concern the LA is the possibility of your AD coming home either for visits or to stay for short periods of time - as i think the LA would worry about any violence being directed at the foster child.

sorry i can't be of more help.

Best wishes xxx

Raven June 16, 2020 20:50

Thank you so much Windfalls, a lot of the names I recall seem to be absent from these boards.

I've posted on a closed social media & a few people who have been through disruption have then found that fostering wasnt an option the LA would consider.

We have so much to offer a child or young sibling group & a wealth of experience under our belt. Our adopted daughter doesn't come to stay. Although her violent tendencies have decreased whilst living in her placement we dont feel able or willing to take that risk.

Our birth daughter (now 18) bears the physical scars from the attacks she sustained from our AD. She tried to stab her on two separate occasions & then made allegations against us all. (She has a track record of allegations against teachers too)

It's too risky, so visits wouldn't be on the cards.

I only hope that an independent agency or LA would be able to consider all aspects. I have a feeling we might fail at the first hurdle.

Thanks again Windfalls


Nellie July 30, 2020 12:01

Our children (16 and 17) are still in residence, but we would also like to foster a child (as young as possible, maybe to give parents respite) both because we have got a lot of experience now and feel we are now pretty well qualified to help and support them, but also because it would give confidence to our younger daughter, who likes to help others but is too anxious to face the outside world herself at present. We applied to a therapeutic agency, but were rejected when they obtained our records from the local council - we have had some very unhelpful (understatement!) interventions over the years, but with the help of therapeutic parenting, have made a lot of progress. We are in the process of trying to get the council's inaccurate records revised ... I have only recently re-joined AUK, and was pleased to see your post, as it has made me feel that my ambition is not ridiculous! Having had 'respite' in earlier years, rather than having inappropriate behaviour-management training foisted on us, would have been hugely advantageous so, to be honest, this is what I would most like to do!

Safia July 30, 2020 13:08

Hi - we were thinking the same when our children were about that age. Though not respite - in the end decided it would be too disruptive and unsettling to have a child join our family and then have to leave, possibly suddenly. However respite would be different and as you explain it has a very positive feel for your family. Have you thought of applying to a private agency and giving them a heads up about information from your LA? It would be such a shame if they didn’t consider you at least as it sounds as if you have a lot to offer. Don’t give up!

Nellie July 30, 2020 15:23

THANK YOU! That has given me just the encouragement I need today! :-)


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