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Potential sibling

T's Mam June 7, 2020 12:58

Have read here advice from many about single adopters taking another child and it ultimately proving too much. Am currently on a complete carousel it seems as have been asked to consider new sibling and keep coming full circle with it. If I'm totally honest one of my biggest fears is not bonding with new LO like I did with Munchkin and also Munchkin being totally displaced by it all. Only two at present so very young to make decision I know but whenever I broach the baby brother/sister topic (in age appropriate way of course) the answer is always a resounding 'No' they would rather just stay 'Mummy and me'; am also enrolled in uni course which won't complete until 2021 so timing is terrible, but tell myself timing can never be perfect with children, adopted or birth. Any single parents had reservations with themselves and child but gone ahead and it worked beautifully? Or vice versa? Would really appreciate decisions, experiences and decision making processes of those in similar situations... Thanks in advance guys.

Serrakunda27 June 7, 2020 14:10

Very difficult decision. I do know lots of single adopters with more than one child and while its tough, they manage.

I bet most 2 year olds wouldnt want a baby in the way ! I've stuck with the one, partly because I'm ancient and I think the only circumstances I would do it is if there was a sibling.

You're right, timing will never be perfect but the thing that always stikes me in these situations is that there is likely to be more babies. If you say yes to this one, what about the next, and the one after that?

But for me the deciding factor, apart from the obvious stuff like finances, is how did you picture your family when you started out? I only ever saw me and one child, I never considered siblings.

What did you see, did you think about siblings? Did you envisage adopting a second at a later date? If you always had in mind tje possibilty of a second then why not, as long as everything else stacks up ?

Good luck !

Furcifer June 10, 2020 15:41

I think this is one of those highly personal decisions that is contingent upon your own personality and attitude to risk and how much you are comfortable being ruled by your head or your heart - or somewhere on a sliding scale between the two.

I am a single adoptive parent of two, but my children are not birth siblings, and so I never had to face your dilemma - or the issue of subsequent babies, as Serrakunda so rightly points out.

I didn’t consciously seek to adopt for a second time, rather as an adopter-turned-foster carer, I was asked if I would consider providing permanency to the newborn who was placed with me at 12-hours-old. At that time, my eldest child was eight, so she was able to input into the decision with the benefit of more life experience than your toddler.

Our unanimous decision to proceed was tested to the extreme during the next two years of complex legal proceedings. And, I suppose with the benefit of hindsight, this time only cemented how much we both wanted my now-younger daughter to stay with us forever. However, this was a flesh-and-blood child growing up in our home, rather than a nebulous concept (sorry for the clumsy words here) and a ‘package’ of what-ifs.

It’s not the life I envisaged but that’s not to say it’s not the best possible life for me personally and also for my family unit. All in all, I have no regrets - although my now-preteen quite often wishes get annoying little sister didn’t exist!

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