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Anyone out there...?

Oreo28 May 20, 2020 07:22

Me and my girlfriend began the adoption process in Jan, after a couple years of exploration.

She is white female and I am mixed (white, Jamaican and Chinese) male.

Before lockdown we managed to attend one workshop with other couples. No other mixed BME prospective adopters, just thought I’d see if there’s anyone else on here? :D

Safia May 20, 2020 10:05

There used to be a section on the old boards for BME adopters - not sure if there is here - there used to be many contributors so you will probably find a lot in the old archives. We are a mixed couple - I am white my partner Asian though from Africa - we adopted many years ago though

Oreo28 May 20, 2020 18:20

Hi Safia,

Hi and thanks for your response. I’ve read through many of the old topics which have been really helpful. Just thought I’d see if anyone was still around 😁

GK1309 May 21, 2020 21:29

Hello, I am mixed race. White, black african and native american, my husband is white. We adopted a mixed race child and had one other mixed race couple that attented our prep group. I found that because of me being mixed race we ended up having a large selction of children shown to us, we even went to a BAME day and were greeted by a lot of FF's. I feel being mixed in the adoption world is a good thing, so many children that are harder to place just because of their colouring. If you are happy to travel (not just keeping your search to your area) you will likely have children shown to you from all over the country.

Good Luck.

Cherrytree14 May 23, 2020 09:14

Hi

We are a multi race couple. I am black Caribbean and my husband is Italian. We started the process last year and were approved at panel this March.

Honestly I also wondered if there were any BME couples out there since we did not have any at the workshops we attended. We have been lucky to connect with a lovely couple from one of the prep groups which is a blessing. As you know though, the more connections you make the better.

Good luck with your process and happy to keep in touch.

Oreo28 May 23, 2020 18:36

Hi GK1309 and Cherrytree14,

it’s nice to hear from you guys.

We have assumed similar, that as a mixed couple we shouldn’t struggle to find potential matches and there be a larger selection. We are more than happy to travel too.

Funnily enough I read our agencies ofsted and the only thing really was that they needed more bme adopters. When we went for our initial interview we were told we’d hear back within a week. Half an hour later we got invited into stage 1 and I joked it was because they will snap up bme couples haha.

Its such a sad truth that bme children often wait longer so we are really pleased to be in this process and open to mixed siblings/child.

GK how long ago was it that you were matched and then your child with you?

Congrats Cherrytree on being approved!

Safia May 23, 2020 19:06

Regarding matching - we adopted over twenty years ago and our daughter was the first child we enquired about - we were only just starting the assessment process but she was a good ethnic match (though not exact) and after they visited us they virtually told our SW to speed up the process. She was less that two at that time and she had a brother who was in another authority who was only two months old. This was in the August and we were approved at the end of November and went to matching panel for her in December and she came to live with us in late January. Our son was going through a separate legal process and he joined us in July - he was 14 months by then. They have both always been very positive about their ethnic identity - we also live in a very diverse area - and about their adoption (relatively) - the hardest thing for my daughter to accept has been her learning difficulties and mental health issues which are partly hereditary and partly as a result of abuse she suffered (as far as we can tell)

GK1309 May 23, 2020 20:02

Hello, Thank you for replying, there are a lot of people on here who ask questions but never reply. Our local authority calls its BAME Black, asian, minority ethnic, not that it makes any difference lol BME its just the same.

Long story short so I don't bore you, we live in an area of mostly white people so we did not have many children at all shown to us from here. We did have many FF showing us profiles on here (link maker) luckily. We were told about a day in London that was hosted by councils from all over the country, who had tables set up of a lot of BAME children that were up for adoption. We had barely walked in the door and had family finders coming up to us wanting us to go to their tables and show us children they thought we would make a good match with. It was a little overwhlming but a very positive day, one FF who had sent us a few profiles said I have a new baby that is not quite approved for adoption they were waiting for the adoption order. So we went away with no picture of her only a letter for her name and the month and year she was born. Turns out she was the one, when we finally were shown a picture she was definitely the one for us. Not to compare my daughter to a wedding dress lol but like they say when you know you know and it just feels right.

So to answer your question we were approved Nov 2018, took Dec off to prepare for xmas and enjoy our xmas with our family plus nothing happens in Dec. In Feb was when we found out about our daughter, by the time all the paper work was done we started intros end of July. She moved in Aug 2019, her council were NOT quick about getting things done. One thing I wish I had known before starting this journey is to not get my hopes up after approval panel thinking it could be in the next month or two because it may not. You may still have a good few months to go, I have known people have children practically waiting for them to be approved. Also some that have waited over a year, you just have to keep your chin up and keep going. One thing I will say is it is all 100% worth it in the end, being a parent is the hardest yet best thing in the world. I couldn't imagine and wouldn't want to be without her, cheeky sass and all. Good luck to you and your wife.

NM May 24, 2020 20:22

Hi,

We are a multi racial couple, i am I am black Caribbean and husband is white English. First time round 13 years ago we were fast tracked and knew about our son before we were approved. Beginning to end was about 9 months. Fast forward to 2016 and we applied again and second son came home 2017. about 9 months after approval but this was due to paperwork not being ready. We went to an open day and we had lots of Family finders coming up to us.

We actually saw a profile of second son there but our brilliant Social worker had already got things in motion and he was ours 5/6 months later. It was an eye opener the amount of BAME children needing forever homes.

Oreo28 May 25, 2020 18:13

Safia you adopted those years ago and are still actively giving advice to and chatting with others :) Your son was so young when you first came to know about him. Had you been hoping for siblings when you began?

Thats positive about their view of their ethnic identity. It can be such a huge aspect of a sense of identity overall. I hope your daughter (and you as parents alongside) had support for her mental health needs along the way.

GK I wouldn’t to just take your wisdom and run! I appreciate people taking the time to respond.

Ah yes, BAME, BME I see both written and used in different things, I guess I was being lazy, dropping the A and typing the shorter one.

Your experience of your day in London I imagine must’ve been pretty overwhelming at the time, especially to go from an area where you weren’t exactly inundated with profiles, to then that. Amazing to think of the impact of you guys going along to that day, and what both it lead you down.

Haha, your daughter and a wedding dress, I get what you’re saying of course.

i think to hear from those that have gone through the process and adopted, it’s really important to hear and remain realistic. Whilst I know the process won’t be quick (and ofcourse the timings will be different for each) I try to remain grounded. These reminders are helpful. The speed is out of my control and things will happen the way they will. I don’t expect anything to happen this year but happy with just knowing there’s movement in the process. And I joke that the longer this takes, the more time I have with my motorbike as my only child 😁

Thanks again.

Hi NM. Good to hear from you. Out of curiosity did you find much difference in the process for your first experience to your most recent? Other than the joy of slow paperwork.

Safia May 25, 2020 18:42

I didn’t discover the boards till a long time later and was an avid reader for years before I started posting - as I said elsewhere it was the most important source of support and learning for me for many years - glad you’ve discovered it early on! As for my daughters mental health needs - that is a long story and took many years to get support for but she is doing ok now thanks. We did want to adopt two children - as we had two teenage birth daughters and thought it would be better to have two younger ones - but with this link the younger one wasn’t even mentioned as they had not reached the same stage in the legal process (different LA etc) but they told us when we rang to enquire

NM May 25, 2020 20:31

Good evening Oreo28 and all.

The first time round was much more session based. Our SS used to visit once a week and we hardly had to do any writing except the family trees.

Second time it was very much self assessment based and filling in worksheets. We went on a course with other adopters but only had to do the last 2 days of a four day course.We did meet 2 couples on the course who we are still in touch and meet up with. Our boys have a huge age gap but it works 15 + 4!

GK1309 May 26, 2020 15:01

Hello, yes the day in London was a bit overhwhelming but totally worth it. Also was very nice to speak to FF and SW face to face as we found out that quite often you may show interest in a child and not hear back for a couple of weeks or even not at all. Haha glad you laughed at my dress comaprison, I did to as I wrote it.

I really like your honest and open way of thinking, you are very clued up already and because of your job and your girlfriends I am sure your life experience will do nothing but work in your favour. This journey is long and at times so very stressful, when you are deperate for answers and people take weeks to reply I just want to phone them and say COME ON. But it is what it is and when it is your time and the match is made you will know the journey was worth it. For now you enjoy your motorbike haha, before you have a little one that will take up all of your spare hours then when you do get that free evening you will be pooped and think I just want to sit down. Well I do haha. Been lovely chatting to you , I wish you lots of luck and hopefully you will pop back on here again. I would love to share experiences etc with you if you ever want to know anything, it is still pretty fresh in my mind. :-)

Squidge May 29, 2020 16:46

Thank you everyone...

Its been a real pleasure and inspiration gaining all the wonderful insight and advice from those of you who have walked the path regardless of the stage you are at now. I'm black british african, hubby is white english. We started our adoption journey but before it got off the ground we had an unexpected and tragic death in the family and we are trying to heal and move on as best we can. The adoption process is on hold whilst we come to terms with our new normal.

There has been a real lack of information and support for what we are trying to achieve until we joined this forum. I'm so happy we joined and am thrilled to be having these sorts of conversations and hearing your stories is something that's extremely helpful to us as we navigate our next steps.

Whilst all we can do at present is ask questions and listen to the wealth of from the heart, honest advice out there, we welcome the opportunity to connect with anyone wishing to do so once our adoption story gets back on track.

Keep sharing and caring.... and thank you ... xxx

GK1309 May 29, 2020 21:28

I am very sorry for your loss Squidge, I hope in time you can heal and when ready go back to your adoption journey. There really isn't a lot of information out there, not UK based and I mean info as told by adoptors not agencies advertising what they do and how they can help you. This is why I would very much love to help others learn about the journey, our council holds adoption evenings and people going through the adoption journey get the chance to speak to others who have already been through the process. No SW just mums and dads, there are no airs and graces just honest answers from real people and I found the evening very useful and quite an eye opener.

I do still check link maker every so often so I will always try and answer if I think it is info that would help, one thing I have found strange is the fact that our council does not give you the details/ set you up with an account on here till you have been to approval panel and be approved. I think I may have frightened myself if I had been on here with some of the horror stories you read. Luckily there are lovely sides to it too.

Best of luck squidge to you and your husband. xx

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