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Partner more reluctant - can anyone share their experience of this?

arj90 February 15, 2020 17:01

Hi all,

I've wanted to adopt for a long time, but my boyfriend is more reluctant. We're 29 and 30. We've discussed the idea of having a biological child first and then adopting, but he's more inclined to have 2 biological children rather than adopting.

We've been to adoption info mornings and done lots of online research, but I'm hoping others can share their experiences of couples feeling differently about adoption. Did you ever manage to solves this and move forward with adoption. If so, how?

Many thanks,

Serrakunda27 February 16, 2020 12:07

this might not be what you want to hear but anyway

If you discussed it, researched it, been to info evenings and he is still saying he wants birth children, then he sounds more than reluctant and I think you need to listen to him.

At 30 you are still young in adoption terms, if you can have birth children have them and return to the idea of adoption in 10 years.

If you push your partner into this I think you run several risks

You adopt, you run into difficulties, he says I didn't want this anyway and he leaves ( yexit does happen)

If you start the process nowm it could be two years before you have a child home, then you need a few years for them to settle, then you run into difficulties, you get to a stable place but you are now in your late 30s and your fertility has dropped off and you have problems conceiving.

You adopt and you have so many challenges birth children are just impossible.

Think very carefully about your motivation to adopt, does it overide the motivation to have birth children?

He does sound a lot more than reluctant though, and if he goes along with it for you I think you are on tricky ground.

Donatella February 16, 2020 15:42

Why do you want to adopt rather than have a birth child? I understand that some people want to do one or both but the reality is that it will be very hard on you, on a birth child and an adopted child if you opt to do both. If you decide to have a birth child first then in all likelihood it will be years before adoption is an option. If you read through previous posts you’ll get a better understanding of why this is. What do you understand about adoption and the needs of the children in the care system? You say you’ve researched, which is good, so what is your current understanding? Of backgrounds. Of abilities v disabilities. Of in utero experience. Of genetics and what that might mean for a child.

If your partner is saying no or has any doubts at all, listen to him.

You have plenty of time to raise a birth family and adopt at a (much) later stage. I’d recommend late teens at the earliest if I’m honest. Adopted children will come with a range of difficulties which can make them difficult to live with and difficult for existing children particularly.

And I say all this as an adopter of three who are now all in their teens and doing well. But - it’s taken many years, it’s taken me not working, it’s taken endless appointments, it’s taken diagnoses, special ed to get to this stage.

What is your motivation? We’re not talking about giving a loving home to a needy child - adoption is way more complex than that!

E-mog February 16, 2020 16:19

It takes both partners to be on board before adoption can be seriously considered. We are nearly 13 years along the line and while there have been some amazingly positive times we have also had, and continue to have, unbelievable challenges. I freely admit I was the driving force behind adopting our two children however I couldn't have done it without my husband being totally on board with the idea as well and knowing, as much as anybody can, that he was here for the long haul. Some of the challenges we have faced could have broken us but they haven't because we have supported each other to see our way through.

Furcifer February 16, 2020 22:41

Probably going to stir up controversy with this post, but I do genuinely wonder why people who are biologically able to have their own children feel compelled to adopt? Honestly, I think that adoptive children come with enough problems/issues that they can do without being ‘rescued’ by biologically-capable adoptive parents who subsequently go on to birth their ‘own’/‘natural ‘children.

Okay, hiding behind my parapet. Shoot me now!

bluelizard February 24, 2020 15:46

Didn't spot your post earlier and couldn't resist your invitation to reply,Furcifer! We adopted even though, as far as we know, we were biologically able to have our own children (although we were in our mid-thrities, so a bit older than you, arj90). We do not have any biological children, adoption was the only route we considered for parenthood.

It is, I think, relative unusual and we were questioned a lot about our motives during prep. It seemed odd to me that we were questioned so much. I had felt from a young age that I wanted to adopt, rather than have biological children. Unlike a lot of would-be adoptive parents, who have suffered many losses before embarking on their adoption journey (IVF etc.), I felt we were able to have a much more positive approach to the adoption journey from the outset.

I think we went into the process with our eyes wide-open. Yes, we have had some struggles along the way, but we wouldn't be without AS - he is an amazing child. He certainly wouldn't have been adopted otherwise (he is what you would call a "hard to place" older child). He would probably disagree with me, but I think it was a positive thing for him. I say that he wouldn't agree with me, because obviously he would have preferred not to have experienced the neglect and circumstances that led to him being placed in care in the first place. The alternative to his adoption (I'm thinking of his siblings here) would not have been good.

I think there is a place for all types of adopter, Furcifer.


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