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Calling time on our journey

Just not good enough February 13, 2020 22:47


We had our meeting with our social worker last night. We told her we were withdrawing from our adoption process. We cried ourselves to sleep and now we are left with heavy broken hearts.

We now have to go back to panel to be deregistered or send a statement/ report.

Thank you for your support and advice.

A big apology to all the children that are still waiting for your forever family as we weren't good enough to be a match for any of you.

This will probably be the last post as we won't have access to linkmaker for much longer.

Yours 💔 want to be a family

Edited 13/02/20
Jingle bells February 14, 2020 16:49


don’t go quietly!

if I was in your position

Even though you have had a meeting and discussed giving up, i would now put it in writing to my social worker confirming that I am heartbroken to have made the decision to give up, but as your adoption team/ family finding team don’t deem me suitable for any matches in the past ? years, You are disappointed that no one has given you feedback on to why you are not suitable,

in your letter state your worker has advised that you ask for an appointment To return to panel to be deregistered. State that you want a panel at the earliest panel.

attend the panel, they approved you , let them know personally how you’ve been treated.

Questions need to be asked, and I bet people in senior positions will not know that you have been available but nothing has been forthcoming.

I would copy into the email .....

The senior of the adoption team, the senior of children services, the chief executive of your council and the chair person of you panel,

and anyone else in the managerial tier that is relevant to children services.

it sounds like you have made up your mind and need closure in order to move your life forward,

good luck!

Just not good enough February 14, 2020 20:54

Thank you jingle bells. This is most helpful. Panel is in April and as much as hubby doest want to go I do as I want to let them know exactly how we feel.

Regard L

Jingle bells February 14, 2020 21:21

for your panel.....

Prepare a chronological log of everything if you have kept a diary.

Start with your approval panel

then adm decision

State that there was a whole year whereby no one from SW contacted you

State dates and children initials you have actively enquired about

state feedback for your unsuitability. Did you make changes because of feedback, if so state what changes you made

list dates when you have had home visits. I suspect they are few and far between

Include any crucial conversations with your SW

in my LA, any paperwork has to be submitted to panel in advance of 10 working days , check yours. Submit your paperwork direct to the panel. Ideally via chair person email, Do not give it to SW to submit it for you as it will probably get lost also it will give them the heads up and they can amend their paperwork .

persuade your husband to attend panel, panel might choose not to de register you, and put recommendations in that SW will be accountable too

Edited 14/02/20
Just not good enough February 14, 2020 22:08

Again thank you jingle bells.

I’ve gone through the list of children we have shown interest in and written down briefly the replies. The home visits is an easy task - it’s one.

I’ll check when paperwork needs to be submitted and get the email for chair person

hopefully I’ll be strong on the day and that my tears will have dried up by then.

Regards L

deejay March 3, 2020 22:58

Hi I've just read your msg saying you have decided to leave!! Please tell me why as ive obviously missed all your earlier posts!! I have only been passed panel 2 month and I'm already feeling that I'm not good enough I feel that I have been ignored and overlooked and after sending my SW an email stating this 4 days ago I'm still waiting a reply!! Can you please relay your struggles with me as I need to understand what I am up against!! I was horrified when I read your post how can this happen?? They say there are more children for adoption than adopters!! Please reply as I'm doing this alone and it's already making me feel like crap

Donatella March 4, 2020 08:24

Deejay ... two months really is nothing. My kids are all teenagers now but we waited for 15 months for our first and 20 months for our second. Our third was a child specific adoption. There may be more children in the system than adopters but an awful lot of those children will be classed as hard to place for various reasons, some children in care aren’t available for adoption anyway and they’re not always going to be the children that prospective adopters are looking to adopt.

Use your time wisely. Think about the sort of child you could parent - ultimately social workers will be looking for parents for children rather than children for parents. Harsh but true! The child will always - rightly - be the priority.

Some people are matched quickly. Others aren’t. We weren’t. But once your child is with you the wait is all forgotten about ... and the hard work of parenting a child with - in all likelihood - a range of additional needs will begin!

chestnuttree March 6, 2020 10:04

@Deejay, I agree with Donatella that two months pass by very quickly in the adoption world. However, your sw should get back to you within a reasonable time frame and they should either suggest profiles to you or discuss the ones you are suggesting. Go on Linkedin and read through profiles and think about if you would be interested in the that child and if yes, why or if not, why not. Learn to read between the lines, eg. "chaotic" = drug abuse, "very lively"= possibly undiagnosed ADHD etc.

I started my journey thinking I probably wanted a baby and a sibling and ended up with two children aged 5 and 6. On the other hand, I was keener on girls, because I had much more experience with them and we stuck with that. So, like Donatella said, use this time wisely. Read up on adoption-related possible issues. In all likelihood you will end up needing a lot of that knowledge. I am not trying to scare you, I have a happy family, but in the 7 years since placement we have had to manage a lot of different things.

@Justnotgoodenough I am very sorry it has come to this. Like the others said, don't go quietly. Something has massively gone wrong and it should be investigated who was responsible, what the consequences should be and how it can be prevented in the future. I wish you all the best.

deejay March 7, 2020 22:33

Thanks for the advice @donatella and @chestnuttree I know that it is really early on and I shouldn't even be stressed at this point I'm just really worried as I have quite a complex background and I'm concerned I'll never get a chance as I know it's harder for single adopters anyway but with some of the issues I've faced in the past I feel it's going to be tough to get past the PAR stage when I went to panel they had decided to pass me but only for mainstream adoption and children over 2 years old as my SW had recommended this in my PAR I challenged this and it was only after they met me they all agreed that I should be passed for early permanence and mainstream adoption of any age. It's really unusual for them to go against SW recommendation but after meeting me and putting my side forward they agreed I deserved a chance to adopt younger children. I'm just worrying over everything atm I feel like my dreams have come into sight but I'll never quite reach them.


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