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Adopting with birth children

Pinkandbluewish October 7, 2019 13:31

Hi there

Very new to this but wanted to reach out to hear from more parents that have adopted a baby from a young age who also has birth children. Would love to hear your stories good or bad and Any recommendations you can throw my way. If you were going to do it all over again what would you do?

Many thanks in advance.

Edited 07/10/19
Safia October 7, 2019 15:09

I’ve just responded on the other post where I think you asked the same question (or similar) There are a lot of threads in the archives about foster to adopt so that might be worth looking at as well as people asking much the same as you are. My son was 14mths when placed and it’s often the case that a child taken into care at birth (as he was - he was on the child protection register from 4mths of pregnancy) is often not placed until much later - often because of complex legal processes - in our case the parents had moved to a different county and also because he had not been directly harmed unlike his sister they had to undertake a new set of assessments. When we first heard about him he was 2mths old - this is the way the system works and whilst it is for the benefit of children in that it generally protects them from major harm it often results in a number of secondary adverse effects

Donatella October 8, 2019 09:17

Hi. I’ve read your other post as well but thought I’d reply here.

My first question - and I suspect a sw’s first question - would be why a girl? I get that after 4 boys a baby girl might be lovely but it might if you could question yourself about what you think a girl might bring as opposed to boys? What is your fantasy girl child - pinks, dollies etc after years of blue and boy toys? Because I have to say that fantasy and reality are often poles apart - this as a mum who did have a baby girl after two baby boys!

You say that your husband won’t want a child who’s been exposed to drugs or alcohol? Whilst you may know about exposure to drugs it’s not a given that you’ll know about alcohol. A child who was removed at birth? Some are, some aren’t. Two of mine were, one wasn’t. The least complicated atm is the one who did briefly live with bm - so that’s not necessarily an indicator of anything. Thing is a lot of a child’s issues will be there pre birth - genetics, mental health of birth parents, birth grandparents - there’ll be a lot of digging to do. Drugs, alcohol, post birth experience play a part but that’s not the whole story. If a bm is abusing drugs or alcohol, then you need to ask why they’re self medicating. It’s rarely as simple as just one thing.

You’ll also need to think practical issues - presumably you have a spare room for a new child? Don’t know if you’re currently employed but there’s a strong chance the needs of any child placed will restrict your ability to work - they do tend to have additional needs which entails meetings, appointments etc. And many are unable to cope with any form of childcare ... so that may well be restrictive. What I can pretty much guarantee is that it will be a different experience to parenting securely attached birth children whose genetics, history etc are known.

None of this is meant to be a negative essay! My three babies are now teenagers. One has no diagnoses - that doesn’t mean he’s straightforward- and is in university. My middle child is dx adhd and ASD, statemented and thriving is special ed. Hoping to move into mainstream 6th form next year to do his A levels. Plans to go to uni also.

My daughter - also Asd, also statemented, also in special ed - is more complex and I suspect will require ongoing care. Getting to this point has seen me remain a stay at home mum because getting the diagnoses, getting the right education etc leaves little time for anything else!

I’m not sure how old your boys are but if they’re still young I would definitely postpone for quite some time because this will impact on them - and girls are definitely not all sugar and spice and into dolls! Mine certainly never was.

Edited 08/10/19

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