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Tough time

Lilythepink November 11, 2022 21:12

Feeling sorry for myself at the moment. Three out of four in the family (including both adults) have COVID. In an endless battle with the local authority over SEND provision for youngest who has ASC and learning difficulties. And our eldest (Sweetpea for those who remember) is 14 and permanently ANGRY, mainly with me, which is sapping most of my remaining resilience. I miss my kid and our relationship and really fear she'll never come out the other side (objectively she is doing well for an adopted teen: in mainstream school, has friends, hobbies, sport, perfectly charming to everyone but parents). I cry more than I'd like to admit. No, I don't want antidepressants.

Is there hope? Any good support groups when parenting adopted teens?

Looking for info November 11, 2022 21:21

Hi I'm so sorry your feeling this way, it sounds like sweetpea is being a typical 14 year old adopted or not and pushing mamma to her limit, try not to be to hard on yourself, have you tried any meditation or yoga, my sister has suffered with very bad anxiety in the past and dcs first port of call was medication, she recently had another baby and has found that meditation and sleep therapy has helped her!

Lilythepink November 11, 2022 21:28

Hiya - yeah, I do yoga and exercise and have swallowed the manual on personal resilience over the years.

It is hard to know whether it is "just typical 14yo" anger and rejection or something more serious. Trying to get some therapeutic input but she doesn't want it. Not everyone I know who has brought up (birth kid) teens has been through this. Of course I count my blessings that she's not being excluded from school, doing dangerous things, stealing, lying etc but it's still not great....

Looking for info November 11, 2022 21:41

I'm sorry my previous input probably isn't very helpful considering we r at the early stages, it sounds like your doing your best for you all, hopefully she will come around, maybe a little bit more time for yourself if you can mange to squeeze it in might help you and give you more energy to keep going x

Safia November 12, 2022 07:45

That is so hard Lilythepink - so many different things to deal with! Covid itself can really knock you out so important to recover from that first. Battles over SEND also relentless - hopefully you’ll get there (eventually!) I think it’s always important to have a plan B or a next door you can try when one doesn’t open. Lots of research which I’m sure you’re doing. As for the ANGER that is so hard - especially as you say when you’ve had a good relationship before. I can reassure you you’ll get through it and come out the other end - but unfortunately it takes a long time. My son had a very difficult time around that age with bullying and school refusal and was always angry with me - the person who was always there for him. He’s now 25 and the other day when I contacted him about giving him a lift to a physio appointment he said don’t worry he’d take the bus and I should have a rest. Doesn’t seem much but to me meant the world as I’ve spent years taking him anywhere and everywhere. You know she’s doing well objectively - you are a safe person to be angry with - she knows you won’t give up on her or judge her too harshly for it (my son once attacked me with a badminton racket and I had to leave the house) As for support lots of people use the potato group. I tried but I’m not a Facebook user and I found it hard having to start again working out who everyone was. Anything local you could access in person? I think our needs are quite niche. I found the old boards a great support until the last upheaval when everyone left which I was very upset about. Maybe having a trawl through the archives might help? (Though it’s not the same of course as personal contact) Is there any support available for your daughter? Mine had counselling at school - initially anger management sessions then group counselling around self esteem. It all helped even though not adoption specific. Sometimes it’s not necessary (or too painful) to address it directly. Similarly there may be low cost counselling you could access? Good luck with it all - sounds like you’re doing great

Edited 12/11/2022
Donatella November 12, 2022 11:55

Ah the teenage years!

Mine are now 17, 18 and 21 and they’ve all had their challenges at different ages. Tbh the younger two have been easier teens than tweens and primary aged. Those years were tough.

Eldest was, frankly, a nightmare from 15 through to 18 when he left for uni. On reflection I can understand that he was struggling to separate and grow appropriately. His blueprint for managing relationships was one at a time and one had to end before he could move to the next so in his mind he had to reject us before he could develop a relationship with friends/girlfriend etc. Previous experience was bm with no contact after a few days old and then foster care with no follow up - their choice - so that was how he proceeded. He was very, very angry and life was challenging for those years. I’m not sure I handled it as well as I could have - hindsight is a wonderful thing - but NVR training definitely helped. He has since been dx with anxiety and depression and tbh now he’s home again after graduating he still tends to be quite volatile. I do a lot of smiling, nodding, walking away and having a fair few deferred conversations via text initially.

We got through it and having done a psychology degree he has a better understanding of himself, of brain development, attachment, trauma etc though it can still be tricky at times.

What I learned from him I utilise with the other two. When I remember!

Covid really does take it out of you so be kind to yourself - I was completely wiped out the second time I had it.

And remember … this too shall pass. It’ll move onto something else but we’d hate for life to be dull 😉 😈!

Lilythepink November 12, 2022 14:36

Ah thanks Safia and Donatella. I'll reply properly later as feeling well....COVID wiped out. Lots of reassurance and food for thought there though.

When she was a turbulent, turbulent small thing a SW observed that I wasn't necessarily the mother she was angry with. Now that she's my size and has lots of vocabulary it's very much me personally she's angry with...need to help her find the insights into the big angry place. Not that I'm perfect and she has nothing to be cross with me about but you clearly know what I mean....

We do have a source of counselling for her via ASF but it's proving hard to organise and get her to agree to.

Donatella November 12, 2022 14:38

The mother figure though rather than you personally? Transference?

Edited 12/11/2022
Safia November 12, 2022 15:32

Good point by SW but nevertheless she’s making it personal - as she doesn’t understand what’s happening - and it hurts!

Lilythepink November 12, 2022 18:44

Hi again. Yes, I think that's what was meant: angry with a mother figure, about being "abandoned".

The lack of empathy at the moment I find scary - she did very much have empathy as a child so I don't think it's permanent - but it's wearing. Can be really (verbally not physically) cruel to youngest too. Need to get her to that therapy, need to keep topping up my own resilience somehow and need to find ways to do one to one stuff for some quality time and attention (which she resists at the moment).

Thanks for the empathy. Safia, it's good to hear your son having some empathy for you now. Donatella, I recognise what you say about your eldest being volatile....I think my eldest always has been and just always will be too. Also very anxious. We've managed to swerve an eating disorder since the onset of puberty so doing some things right, but I don't feel very positive at the moment. Hopefully it will pass.

Is the potato group on Facebook did you say? Does it have a longer name? Searching for Facebook potato might not be the most fruitful! ☺️

Safia November 12, 2022 23:28

I think Donatella’s a member

Lilythepink November 13, 2022 18:30

Thank you.

OnlineTeam November 15, 2022 12:24

Hi Lilythepink,

To add to the advice above, are you attending the AUK Parenting Teens Community Groups?

If not, they are the last Wednesday of each month and here is the sign up link:


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