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Firstly, congratulations!

Personally I wouldnt do the parties, They sound way to big and overwhelming. As much as people promise, there will be someone who wants to pick him up, give you the benefit of their wisdom etc.

To be honest I also wouldnt do the holiday. Still too many people. You will have barely unpacked and probably won’t have a settled routine.

This is the time you should be focusing on building your relationship, not fending off relatives, however well meaning they are.

Good luck for intros

I personally wouldn’t do either the parties or the holiday. We adopted a 3 1/2 year old and a 9 month old a few years back. It was weeks before we introduced to anyone, then it was one person/ family at a time and at our house in as calm a way as possible keeping to the children’s routine.

I’m sure everyone will want to see your new little one and will find it hard to keep back at the parties etc.

have you spoken to SW or the foster caters as I’m sure the SW would have a view in this. Our SW was very involved in helping to advise on visits etc and I know wouldn’t have been keen on any over nights away early on in placement

there may be others on here who can advise if they did manage big family gatherings early on

best of luck xx

Another vote here for not going to either, I am afraid.

I would definitely not introduce a completely new environment after such a short amount of time. It is recommended that you keep the fc's routine as much as possible, keep smells the same (eg. washing powder) etc. That would be impossible on a holiday. It would be very confusing and unsettling for him.

I would also not introduce lots of new people to your son so soon. I would introduce anyone in a controlled way in which your child's needs can be put first and so that you are in charge at all times.

I understand that you don't want to upset your family, but you need to put your child first and so should they. Anything you do for him now will make both your lives easier in the long run. Keep things structured, calm and focused on you and him for as long as possible.

First, congratulations!

I think you probably already know the answer. It’s far too early on placement to introduce baby to so many people at one time. It’ll be overwhelming for him and actually for you too. You won’t know each other too well, you’ll still be trying to figure out a routine which works and you won’t yet know what might be distressing for him or how to manage that so publicly.

Can your husband go to his family get together and you go to your family’s? They might not like it but that does then mean that they’re not understanding why you need to do it this way. And if they don’t understand then they may not respect boundaries? Maybe also the birthday boy won’t be too thrilled about sharing attention?

Holiday? Too soon I think. There are good reasons for not going. He won’t at that stage feel safe, attached, settled and may on a preverbal subconscious level be thinking it’s another another move.

Speak to your social worker - apart from anything else they may not actually give you permission to take him on holiday. They won’t have to.

Good luck

Thanks everyone! I think you're all right. A few other things, our SW hasn't really been in contact with us at all since the matching meetings we had at our house, and as we've been doing all this during the pandemic we've only had a few face to face meetings at all. The other thing maybe worth mentioning is that LO is going on caravan holidays with his Foster family every weekend at the minute, so his routine isn't that secure anyway and she deliberately changes up what wash powder and soaps etc she uses with the babies so they don't get too attached to one smell

But he’s familiar with his foster family and presumably there aren’t a huge mix of families at the caravan for him to contend with. Plus, if it’s a static, he will be familiar with the place. He’s being treated as part of the family which is good. I assume he’s been with them for a while and they’re experienced foster carers?

The difference with your holiday is that he won’t have been with you for long, it’ll take sometime for you to establish your routines and it won’t just be the three of you.

My kids went on caravan holidays with their fc. They were 5 and 6 at placement, so we had the advantage of being able to talk things over, plus my kids are extroverted and adventurous by nature. They went to their first school disco several months into placement and became disregulated very quickly, so we left after an hour. We went on our first (very low key) holiday after 3 months and my husband and I seriously considered going back home the first few days.

You are completely new to your little boy. He will have lost everything he knew and trusted in. For you this is wonderful and the fulfillment of your dreams. For him, it is another trauma. The harsh truth is that given the choice he would much rather stay with his fc (my kids actually told me that!). That will change, but you need to build that attachment and it takes time.

We went on a caravan holiday about 6 weeks after my son came - he was around the same age as yours - but just us and it was very quiet and calm. Even then it was quite stressful and he was a little boy used to a big extended family and lots of neighbours. I definitely think it’s far too early - the suggestion above with each of you going to your respective family parties seems a good one for now - SW would definitely be against it

The thing is you just don’t know how long it’ll take a child to settle. We took our then almost 2 year old away on holiday - he’d been home since he was 5 months old - and he really struggled with the change to his routine, different bed, different activities. One day really sticks in my mind - we drove to a beach, unpacked, sat down and he got up and started walking / toddling back to the car. He wasn’t coping. He’s 20 now but I still haven’t forgotten.

My other two coped better but until your child is home, you’re just not going to know.

All that aside though, SS simply may not allow it so soon in placement.

New question, is it not normal that we've had no contact with social workers since we started our bump intos? Neither ours, or the baby's or the family finder? We've not heard anything in well over a month and our panel date is next month.

Thank you all for your advice, I think maybe I was more looking for how to tell people no, than that it was wrong. I keep telling people I don't think it will be okay and they act like I'm being over dramatic and that he'll be fine because he's just a baby :'(

Unfortunately some family members may never understand the impact of trauma even before birth and how that affects them. You just have to think what is best for your child and ignore people's opinions if they don't understand.

Honestly? You’ll learn to develop a thick skin. There can be an assumption that adoptees are public property, that it’s okay for people to ask intrusive, none of their business questions. They’ll want to know about their ‘real’ mother etc and you just will learn to come up with answers so you’re not caught off guard. You don’t have to explain to anyone why you can’t do the things your family would like you to. YOU are the parent. YOU have done all the training. YOU. and your child will have to live with the consequences of your actions. Not them.

It’s perfectly natural that family want to get to know and love a new addition and you’re not denying them that opportunity but it has to be done in a measured and controlled way. One you’re in control of. They need to learn to respect you as the mother and not question.

You can try and explain funnelling to them or if it’s easier just tell them SS said no, you can’t do it. They may take a while to stop seeing you as just a daughter/sister/aunt etc and start seeing you as a mum. That kind of goes back to the idea that everything about an adoptee is for sharing ... it’s not!

As a by the way ... my niece has recently rescued a dog. She’s been told no visitors, no new people in the dog’s life for at least a week ... and that’s a dog rather than a baby.

You will learn to smile, through gritted teeth at times, and ignore. I use ‘thank you for your suggestion/advice blah blah ... I’ll bear it in mind’. Then ignore it

UPDATE GUYS: we've finally had some professional contact for the first time in like 2 months and it looks like the parties fall during our introduction period with the little guy so we'll be able to attend without him and we're didn't know about Delegation of Parental responsibility thing so it sounds like we can't take him on holiday even if we wanted to so that's an excellent excuse that our family can't argue with! Thanks everyone!